My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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