He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it was like eating out sand paper
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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