I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
