At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
