I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
