i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
