According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
