And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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