omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
They took my balls.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
