Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
