bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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