so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
