new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My butt remains clenched, sir.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
