My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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