You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize