my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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