M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
