Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
