I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
