you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
