I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I need moral support for this bender
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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