Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
