I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
