i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
