I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
