wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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