Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
