Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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