Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
