we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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