Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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