Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
