haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
