My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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