im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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