her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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