I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
