You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
