Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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