@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
