Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
