I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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