dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
