WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
