i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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