I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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