Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
