i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize