From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
