Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
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