Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
