my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just google imaged poop.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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