remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
