Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
