Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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